chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
