I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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