Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
