he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
