omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
