how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
