I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
