the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
