im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
