dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
not ubering you a puppy
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
