the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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