I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
