If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
