Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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