Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
