Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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