i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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