Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
