Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
