there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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