i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
