My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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