apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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