i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
