I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
