So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
