I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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