Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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