Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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