There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
