I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
