I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
wanna go halves on a baby?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
