just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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