Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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