apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
