I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
