I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
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