is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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