i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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