not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
