please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
