She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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