Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
