my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Randomize
