If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I am midnight drunk by noon
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
