Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
