Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
