She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
