Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
