Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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